10 Ways to Address Mealtime Struggles
As family feeding expert and registered dietitian, Ellyn Satter, puts it, “Being included in family meals is a privilege that everyone earns through positive behavior.” Let all pause and take a second to marinate on that. How powerful!
As a mother of a three-year-old and one-year-old, feeding is an endless chore. Family meals and planned snacks every two to three hours is exhausting and requires constant vigilance where I continually orchestrate and make it a priority. Negative mealtime behavior makes things one thousand times harder than it already is. But here’s the thing… we (as feeders) don’t have to tolerate it. Negative behavior is usually one of two things:
The division of responsibility is being tampered with. As a reminder, the division of responsibility states that your job in feeding is to determine what foods are served, when the food is offered and where the food is offered. Your child’s job is to determine how much to eat and if they eat at all. If there are negative mealtime behaviors, it means that you might be trying to control something outside your role.
Your child is finished. Enough said! If your child comes to the table with an appetite and can find something on the table to eat, then they will eat. Their attention will wonder once they are getting full and they will want to get down when they are completely full. We, as feeders, might want to keep them at the table (to chat, to eat more, “Just two more bites”), and that’s when negative behavior can arise.
I understand that negative mealtime behavior can arise from other things too… missed naps, non-food related tantrums, sibling arguments, bad days in general (we all have them!) but most negative behavior (being disruptive, whining or crying, begging for different foods, complaining) can be solved with these 10 tips.
Your Child’s Move & Your Countermove
Your child says, “I’m not hungry.”
You say, “You don’t have to eat, but sit with us for ___ minutes.” (For small children, a sand timer works well – we use a 3 minute one.)
Your child is too hungry to wait for a meal.
Plan a sit-down snack between lunch and dinner and avoid grazing.
Your child is too messy.
Playing with food (exploring food while not being disruptive) and using their fingers are normal. Cover the floor, sit on your hands and watch – this phase won’t last forever.
Your child doesn’t want to sit at the table while you finish.
Let them down when they are finished. As children get older, they will enjoy conversation.
Your child is disruptive at the table.
Let them down. They are most likely full.
Your child comes right back after the meal asking for a snack.
*Have planned snack times. Say, “The meal is over, but snack is coming soon. You can eat then.”
Your child gets down, but wants to sit on your lap or eat off your plate.
Try your best to send them away. Teach them to play quietly while you finish your meal.
Your child doesn’t eat enough at mealtime.
Only they know what is enough. Ensure there is no grazing between meals except for snacks you have planned.
Your child wants you to make something different, or asks to make something different (if they are older).
You say, “This is what is on the menu tonight. Part of family meals is sharing the same food. Those are the rules. You don’t have to eat if you don’t want to.”
Your child says, “Why do I have to eat with you? Can I just eat in my room or warm up a plate when I get home?”
You say, “Dinner is more about family than food. You are an important part of our family.”
*The bedtime snack is a hot topic that will be covered in an entirely different blog post. If you offer one or not, be consistent. If you choose to offer a bedtime snack, do it every night so its part of your routine.
I’m sure that one item on this list “hits home” with you. Maybe more? If you are really struggling with positive family mealtimes, pick one thing to work on at a time. Consistency is huge. Stick to your guns. Children learn and adapt very quickly; they start to understand the expectations in just a few experiences. Think about it this way. If you work on one item from this list every week, that would be 10 weeks – about 3 months. Three months to a dramatically more positive family eating experience. In the scheme of things, its not that long! If you would like any assistance working through mealtime struggles and strategies, please reach out. I’d be happy to help.
Reference:
Satter, E. (2008). Secrets of Feeding a Health Family: How To Eat, How To Raise Good Eaters, How To Cook. Publishers Group West.